Separation anxiety is a common phase in a child's development, often causing distress for both the child and the parents. It's natural for children to feel uneasy when separated from their primary caregivers, especially at a young age. However, when this anxiety becomes intense or prolonged, it can interfere with a child's development and may require psychological therapy. Understanding and managing this anxiety is crucial for fostering independence and emotional well-being in your child. This article offers practical strategies that parents/carers can use to overcome separation anxiety, informed by Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and written by a Clinical Psychologist at The Lotus Psychology Practice.
What are the Signs of Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety is characterised by excessive fear or anxiety about being apart from home or loved ones. It is most common in younger children but can affect individuals of all ages. Children may exhibit various signs of separation anxiety, including:
Excessive crying or tantrums when a parent leaves
Clinginess, especially in new situations
Reluctance to go to sleep without a parent nearby
Physical complaints like stomachaches or headaches when separation is imminent
Regression to earlier behaviours, such as bed-wetting or thumb-sucking
The Role of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
CBT is a widely recognised as an evidence-based and effective approach for treating anxiety disorders. It focuses on identifying and changing negative thought patterns and behaviours. For separation anxiety, CBT helps children and parents understand the anxiety, challenge irrational fears, and develop coping strategies.
Step 1: Identifying Triggers
Start by identifying specific situations that trigger your child's anxiety. This could be going to school, bedtime, or even leaving the room. Keeping a diary can be helpful in identifying triggers to high levels of separation anxiety.
Step 2: Understand Their Thoughts
Encourage your child to express their fears and anxieties. They might worry about their safety, the safety of their parents, or fear that something bad will happen during the separation. You may get a 'worry jar' or a worry monster, where your child can write down their worries whenever they come into their mind, and pop it in the jar to review with you at a later time.
Step 3: Learn about the Anxiety Monster
Anxiety can be seen as a bully that bosses your child around, this may be telling your child that they will be kidnapped if they sleep in their own bed, or something bad will happen to their parents while they are at school. Anxiety can become internalised and impact on children’s confidence and self-esteem. Naming and externalising the anxiety separates the anxiety from the child.
You can do this with your child by naming and drawing the anxiety monster. You can then learn together about anxiety, and why we get these horrible symptoms like a racing heart, and sick feeling in the stomach. Anxiety is a self-protective system designed to help us survive. We need our anxiety system: when we’re crossing the street and we sense a speeding car approaching, our anxiety system gets us out of the way and to safety. In our brain, an area called the amygdala sets off an alarm system in response to perceived danger. The Fight, Flight, Freeze response is our body's call to action, and when activated, our brain diverts blood and oxygen to our muscles to help us evade danger quickly. This response leads to the symptoms of anxiety: hyperventilating, which makes sure we get oxygen into our blood stream, pulse racing, which makes sure the blood gets around our body quickly, and butterflies or nausea as our body diverts blood away from digestion.
In separation anxiety, the brain sets off a false alarm to any perceived danger. It is important to recognise our brain’s false alarms, to understand that we are not in danger. The next task is to recalibrate our false alarm system.
Step 4: Challenging The Worries
Help your child question the validity of their fears. For instance, if they are worried something will happen to you while they are at school, discuss the likelihood of that happening and the precautions you take to stay safe.Offer consistent reassurance and present facts to counter irrational thoughts. Explain the safety measures in place and remind them of previous instances where everything turned out fine. Your child may not be able to identify a specific worry or thought, which is really common! They may not know why they are worrying, but they get this horrible feeling in their body, which naturally they want to get rid of - which is by remaining with you!
Step 5: Gradual Exposure
Step 5 is the most important step in overcoming separation anxiety. Gradual exposure involves slowly and progressively exposing your child to the source of their anxiety in a controlled way. Start with short separations and gradually increase the duration as your child becomes more comfortable. If your child is old enough, you may do this together by developing a ladder. At the bottom of the ladder, think of easier fears to face, and gradually work up the steps, increasing in difficulty as you go. As an example, imagine a young person sleeping in their parents bed every night because they are too scared to sleep alone. They ladder may start with sleeping in their own bedroom with you outside with the door open, then the door shut, then in the landing... then downstairs. It is important that those fears are confronted gradually, with lots of praise and encouragement given at every stage! You may even devise a reward chart for each step on the ladder as added encouragement.
Step 6: Developing Coping Skills
Relaxation Techniques
Introduce relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, visualisation, or mindfulness. Practice these techniques with your child during calm moments so they can use them when feeling anxious.
Use Transitional Objects
A favourite toy, blanket, or other comfort item can provide a sense of security during separations. These objects can remind your child of home and you, offering comfort when you are not around.
Model Confidence
Children often take cues from their parents. Model confident and calm behaviour during separations. Your response to your child’s anxiety is crucial. Stay calm, provide consistent reassurance, and avoid giving in to their anxious behaviours.
Step 7: Reward Brave Behaviour
Encourage your child to engage in activities that promote independence. This could be playing independently, spending time with friends, or participating in extracurricular activities. Celebrate and reward your child's efforts to face their fears. Positive reinforcement can motivate them to continue working towards overcoming their anxiety. Whether this is handing the money to the shopkeeper or saying their order at a restaurant - look for many opportunities to reward bravery and independence.
Overcoming separation anxiety is a gradual process that requires patience, understanding, and consistent effort. By using cognitive behavioural strategies, parents can empower their children to face their fears and develop the confidence to handle separations. If your child's anxiety is severe and persistent, consider seeking professional help. Here at The Lotus Psychology Practice, we are experienced in working with parents to overcome separation anxiety.
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